sigh

it’s one of those times where i’m longing for the safe, comfortable embrace of home.

home is where i understand the jokes and the sense of humour. where people are a little more restrained when ragging others about stuff. where people seem to be a bit more sensitive towards the limits of others and moderate their behaviour and attitudes accordingly. where everyone else shares more or less the same socio-cultural norms as i do. where i roll my eyes at lame jokes, rather than feeling myself reach the limit (and i think i have a fairly high tolerance too) of enduring dirty (ie, sexual) humour. where people don’t seem to feel the need to play the fool or adopt a strong ‘public persona’ to get others to laugh with them; where there isn’t such a huge pressure to appear ‘cool’ in order to be accepted.

i’m just feeling so worn out from some of the superficial and foreign interactions that i’m experiencing here. it’s unfortunate and hard to believe that it’s almost 2 years now, yet i haven’t gotten used to some of the things that go on around me.

if only i could fly back for a few days, meet up with a few friends, pull the blanket of familiarity snug around me like armour and return here, recharged, renewed and ready to take on whatever else is thrown my way.

しかし、できへんなぁ。このまま頑張ることしかない。たった短い2ヶ月しか残ってなくて、大事にするべきなのに・・・帰りたくないけど、本当に帰りたい気持ちもある。この1年半、2年間、一体何のためだったんだろう？

international exchange and understanding VS the (perceived) western cultural superiority complex

okay, i know i’m asking for trouble by making such a post, but urgh. what happened yesterday got me so riled up. suffice to say that it really bothers me how some foreigners view Japan from their western-centric eyes, make judgements with the unspoken but implicit, underlying opinion that what goes on in this country is so “OMG this is insane, what kind of place is this??”

a disclaimer before i proceed further: i’m going to be using words like “Asian” and “Western” very freely, so anyone who’s going to take issue with that and call it a reductive dichotomy might want to stop right now and browse somewhere else.

*   *   *

i think i occupy an interesting position on JET, being a born and bred Asian in the midst of a whole bunch of people from predominantly ‘white’ ‘western’ societies, all of us being lumped together as “foreigners” in a country which, in many ways, can be said to be on the extreme end of things ranging from (cultural) conservatism to other kinds of crazy stuff.

many people in my social circle don’t seem to realise that the social-cultural norms that they’re used to don't apply to many other countries besides japan – so many things seem to flabbergast them, even though the same things that go on in Japan are shared in many other countries in the region to varying extents.

i find it interesting that i’d never been more aware of my Asian identity than when i came on JET. and that my culture shock – in some ways i’m still adapting - came from the other ALTs and not from Japan at all. so often when i’m listening to conversations where people are discussing something they find odd, i’m thinking, ‘well, that’s because of this and that, and besides it’s not that strange cos in some way it’s echoed back home too’.

because of my background, i find it a lot easier to understand where certain aspects of japanese culture and behaviour come from. i might not agree with some of them, but i believe i understand somewhat the underlying mentality behind them, and because of that, find it easier to accept that behaviour.

unfortunately, for many people i know, their life in japan is spent looking from the outside, seeing the facts of the situation (ie This is what goes on in Japan) but not the reasons behind them. they get into debates, discussing and judging, sometimes trying to make sense of it from their western viewpoints but not quite succeeding because they dont have the cultural background for support.

and i (naturally) get defensive – oftentimes it’s some form of japan-bashing or putting down, and i get upset because 1) i do like japan and sometimes i just think they just have to change their mentality on things and they wouldnt be so unhappy being here, and 2) i can’t help but feel they’re criticising my cultural background too, when judgement and comments are passed on things in japan that singaporeans/chinese share to a certain extent.

so i voice my dissonant view, and woah. i get told that i’m defensive – and damn right i am for the reasons above. also, try being the only westerner surrounded by asians commenting and passing judgement on aspects of some other country whose general practices you share to an extent, and let’s see whether you get defensive or not.

i also get told in the same breath that their views are equally valid, that the outsider’s view from another cultural perspective can often be illuminating on a place, and that my views are equally coloured by my cultural upbringing too.

who’s being the defensive one here? i put forth an alternative view and immediately steps are taken in attempt to squash it and reassert their opinion.

the conversation i had yesterday brought to mind what i’d read in this book on the JET Programme by David McConnell. this programme is aimed at increasing international understanding, among others, but i’m really not sure how successful it is in this respect, considering how most discussions on culture occur among westerners*; at least from my experience, there arent that many japanese people with the english skills necessary to discuss culture (and even if they do, i can’t really imagine getting into a debate with my JTEs on this topic; our relationship isn’t quite there yet) and there’re hardly any english-speaking born and bred asians around to share their cultural viewpoints. not to mention the reluctance and resistance to opposing views on culture!

Said one of the Japanese interviewed in the book:

“In many of their criticisms, ALTs are implicitly demanding that the Japanese reconstitute themselves and their society in ways more compatible with Western norms and expectations.”

and

“JET participants need to take seriously the task of learning Japanese culture and language and integrating themselves into social routines. Too often they simply criticize Japan rather than admit that they must accept some of the consequences of the Japanese model of social relations.”

Another JET himself expressed:

“Is kokuisaika (internationalisation) not a two-way street? I sometimes wonder if all JET participants are as internationalized as they pretend to be. Most of us feel internationalized because we are Anglophones, presently living outside our home country dealing with people who lack fluency in English and have limited experience in overseas travelling. We see the Japanese as the object of our presence in their own country.. however, how many of us can look at ourselves and sincerely assert that we are as internationalized as we want the Japanese to be?”

Oh, i couldnt agree with them more.

I’ve heard complaints about Japanese prejudice against white foreigners, and you know, sometimes i don’t blame the Japanese - not when you have foreigners who come here and sometimes talk bad about japanese people or laugh at their stupidity for not understanding english behind their backs in a clearly audible voice. not when there’s sometimes the expectation that people here should know english when they themselves dont make much effort or attempt to learn japanese. not when you have foreigners who jump over ticket gates and feel proud about it. not when a bunch of foreigners come onto a quiet train, chattering among themselves at a volume that echoes throughout the entire train carriage, yet get angry when someone tells them to lower their voices because they feel they have the right to do whatever they want. not when foreigners have house parties fitting 30 people into a small apartment and get pissed off when the security guard breaks up the party at 11pm**. and definitely not when foreigners go around the streets making a ruckus for the heck of it just because they can.

i just hope most of the other JETs around, as well as future JET applicants, are open to understanding and accepting what goes on in this country. i’m probably sounding hypocritical saying this***, but let’s all try to be as open-minded as possible and attempt to feel the soul of this country we’re in.

 

*: many of these often end in something like “Man, i think that they just need to/they should (insert Western practice or attitude)”.

**: i mentioned this to a friend, and apparently her landlord in Edinburgh would certainly not appreciate a house party in their building. Also, whoever said that 12 midnight is the magic number for things to end? Where i come from it’s very much 11pm.

***: i suppose i am guilty of being close-minded to the western-centric views on japan. and i admit i have nothing to say in my defence, except that i dislike what i perceive to be an underlying western superiority complex behind many of their comments. plus i dont think the western viewpoint on anything needs defending anyway, since it’s everywhere in entertainment and political and economic systems; it’s firmly rooted in our current world and you cant escape from it. the east knows a lot more about the west than the other way round.

chinese new year

is coming!

it’s on valentine’s day this year, and i was quite happy when my JTE at my other junior high school suggested doing a combined chinese new year and valentine’s day class. i brought some red packets – or angbaos - and passed them around the class, and was rather bemused when lots of them opened all the red packets to see if there was any money left in them.

i wanted to bring some pineapple tarts with me when i came back from singapore in january, but didnt have enough space. else i could prepare some new year goodies and invite people over, just to gently demonstrate that not everyone around the world necessarily cares that much about christmas.

i received a new year card from my mum the post today, and in it was a mega big angbao – mega by her standards – which sort of makes up for all the other smaller angbaos that i’ll be missing out on. yay :)

differences (and similarities?)

i was out today with W.Y. who’s in nagano and his 2 singaporean friends who’re here on holiday, and for the first time in a long while i was out with a bunch of people for dinner on a weekend and there was no alcohol involved at any point in time.

i do like my alcohol, but i dont drink when no one else is drinking. and of course, since i enjoy it quite a bit, if someone’s having a drink i’ll have one too. but it just occurred to me that drinking has become so standard that the reflex is to sit down, order a drink, and then order food.

perhaps japan, and hanging out with caucasians, has trained me well.

after dinner – which i will blog about another time – we sat down and chatted over coffee and cake, and one of the guys said something which made me realise that hey, this is what i used to do all the time back home. we used to socialise over food and drink, rather than socialise over alcohol. it just didnt register quite so clearly that singaporeans hang out over coffee and stuff, cos i’ve gotten so used to chatting with people over alcohol after a year here.

and it’s nice too. there’s something different about hanging out when you’re sober.. you get none of the cheeriness that comes as an influence of alcohol which affects your attitude and behaviour, and conversations arent quite as loud. in a way it’s more calm, relaxed.

it might also be because it’s singaporeans whom i was hanging out with. somehow things are different. not quite as stressful, and the conversation just flows, and there was never a point when i was bored or feeling like there’s a cultural reference that i’m not quite getting or having the sense that i’m not quite ‘in’ the conversation.

and writing that, it occurred to me that i never really had as much trouble talking to guys back home as i do here. it’s not quite ‘trouble’ per se, but it seems like here, unless you’re a lot like them or have the same interests – mainly games, computers, movies (perhaps tv shows too) and women – there isnt much you can do to get into a conversation among guys. whereas i never felt this way back home.. men seemed to just talk crap about random stuff which i could contribute to and enjoy, and oh. it makes me feel like i’m missing out on the comfort and familiarity with which conversations occurred. no stress whatsoever, nor boredom.

people are always saying that singaporeans dont know how to have fun and all that, but thinking about it, i’m not sure i’m having more fun per se now either. it’s definitely a different kind of fun; senses are heightened in some ways due to the alcohol (and dulled in other ways too, of course), and there’s this enhanced sense of gaiety that perhaps leads one to think that they’re having more fun. but there’s something simple, direct and real about the interactions that i had today, and probably the interactions that i used to have when i was still in singapore too. and that’s extremely enjoyable too. it feels meaningful – probably because among singaporeans, we sit down and we talk about stuff, while among caucasians you socialise, flitting from person to person and mingling with most of the  people present.

i dunno.. i cant imagine living in singapore forever from the time at which my JET contract ends, but living somewhere else would mean more of those interactions that are interesting but sometimes somehow not quite fulfilling in some ways.. which makes things difficult!

i really am looking forward to going home in december… will probably view things with new eyes and have lots to reflect upon!

like a fish out of water - part 1

it's really late and i'm really tired, but i'm too full to sleep so i might as well blog..

a bunch of us went to this fish-themed izakaya restaurant for dinner today, and urgh. it was a great experience -  more on that in the upcoming part 2 - and it was fun seeing everyone again, but sometimes it does get me how people can get so surprised (sometimes even aghast) that their culture and the things they're used to isnt the only culture around.

like today, i was telling The Brit about this brief discussion in class regarding how this student found the way couples "talk intimately" - that is, 撒娇 and/or talk in that 暧昧 manner - on the trains annoying, and i mentioned how it's gross to have people making out in front of you on the escalator - especially when it's a down-riding one and the couple is on the step in front of you, making their faces almost exactly at your eye level - and he was like "What?" in disbelief, and went on for a bit about how you should be happy for them cos they're happy and that it's not gross at all.

how do you explain to angmohs who're used to public displays of affection that you just dont do it here? well, of course there are people who do it - and i do think that many people would find that kind of behaviour disturbing and shamless, sort of - but then there are also many who dont approve. how do you make them understand that in certain societies, things that happen between lovers is more or less a private affair that goes on behind closed doors, or at least some place where you dont have a human audience to your actions?

and also today at that fish restaurant.. ok. imagine this super fresh, until very recently still very much alive, perfectly done salt-grilled fish that came FREE to your table because the people at next to you got the fish but had to leave and so decided to give it to you instead as a present. couldnt be better right? and the fish was SO fresh, and tasted like.. well. the fish had nice crispy fins and tail like deep fried garoupa and soft, fresh, tasty meat like steamed sea bass at wedding dinners. it was THAT good.

a fish like that, you have to make the most out of it right? and the skin was grilled to perfection, and was especially delicious due to the salt and slight smoky flavour. but these angmohs were quite absolutely amazed - and not entirely in a good way - that instead of fighting with them for the meat, i settled for the bones at the side of the fish and the area just beneath the head and around the gills and stomach because those are, in my opinion, quite definitely the best parts of a fish.

they were totally amazed that i could eat that! and when i said that actually the head can be eaten too, i think their brains probably just burst with the idea of that then. and the fact that i was totally serious - "I'm serious! you can really eat the head!"; "Yes i know you're serious, and that's the thing!" - made it even harder for their minds to accept that fact.

it's just crazy! the way this is so totally new and entirely foreign to them is just crazy.. and sometimes i just dont get it! like, i know you do things differently in your country, but do you have to be really so surprised that some people in some other cultures might perhaps do things in another way?

i guess it's goes both ways too, because hey, 22 and a half years of eating all the meat and skin off the bones of a fish and fighting with relatives at wedding dinners to get the best bony bits of steamed sea bass conditions you to look at a beautiful, whole fish on your table and clean the meat off the bones without a second thought. like, that's what you do with a fish! you eat everything that can be eaten, so that at the end what you get it a nice, meat and skinless pile of bones on your plate. that's what you call eating a fish! and never in my entire life have i received so much attention - in fact, i've never received any attention - eating a fish till today. it was SO WEIRD. and the thing was that the fish reminded me of how long it's been since i've eaten fish like that.. you know, the way it's nicely done with melt in the mouth flesh, and the flavour of the fish somehow, in some very vague way, reminded me of home, and the bones on my plate made me think of the sea bass at my cousin's wedding dinner that i'll be missing cos i'm here. i wasnt quite sad or anything, but i was just reminded of home and the way things are in singapore.

but yeah. somehow it got a little on my nerves. all that fuss about fish! and their absolute inability to comprehend how anyone might eat the sides of a fish and the bony areas. i mean, what do they do then with those parts of a fish? throw it away? there's still tonnes of meat and skin there! it's almost like throwing away a whole pile of food if you leave those bits out!

if you ask me, i bet the reason for that is because "fish" to these angmohs probably mean "slices of meat in supermarkets", so they perhaps have never seen a whole fish in their entire lives and therefore dont quite know what you can do with the rest of a fish.

i'm committing the same crime of making a cultural judgement, but whatever. i'm up to here and have reached my limit for today. i actually have something i want to say regarding fried fish - and how it's absolutely amazing and i love how you can eat EVERYTHING if the fish is deep fried crisp enough - but that will have to wait till part 2. and if i do forget to talk about fried fish, please do remind me.

i think i should assert my culture more, to be honest. i'm getting all this exposure to american and brit culture especially, and i think it's high time i asserted my cultural heritage more strongly. you know how singaporeans can actually be really rather adaptable overseas cos of the weird mix of east, west and dunno what else in singapore? at least speaking from a singaporean-chinese perspective, we have these chinese practices that have a singaporean twist to them, plus exposure to this global "western" culture.. most singaporean-chinese know full well that chinese people do lots of things that are seen by others as weird (like eating pig innards for example. i talked about it the other day and shocked the angmohs, especially when i started going on about how delicious it is), so we're pretty aware that there are many people out there who dont so all these weird (i frankly think the things that chinese people do are really cool though. many things - like eating skin and flesh clean off a fish - make tonnes of sense to me) stuff, and cos we have all these "western" exposure through the media we kinda know what things are like "over there". so things arent as foreign as they might seem, i feel, cos it's all kinda familiar in a way.

and on the other hand, you have these angmohs that well.. i dont know. the brit for example, being a londoner and having gone to many many different european countries, he has really really broad knowledge about many things in europe and certain aspects of south asian culture, but when it comes to certain asian stuff.. it's like a total complete blank to him. cant blame him really, cos of geographical location, but it's just interesting how the angmohs come to japan and are so totally astounded and taken aback by how different things are, whereas the whole bunch of us who've been on exchange to here and there dont quite have that "oh my god things are so different and foreign here" kind of experience.

i really dont mean to say that we're culturally superior or anything like that though i know it might seem so, but it's just something that has been at the back of my mind for a while and i'm sort of beginning to think about it a bit more. i dont even know why i'm talking about this, since what i wanted to say was that i've pretty much been culturally 'neutral', in the sense that i havent quite exposed my singaporean-chineseness much, and that i probably seem to be something like this vague entity to whom you cant quite pinpoint any cultural stereotypes to. like, you have loud americans or crazy americans - and many of them here are sort of specimens of that -  but i'm pretty sure the rest cant quite identify much of me apart from perhaps the asian stereotype of being "boring" (just because i dont happen to like partying, clubbing and drinking that much. dont me started on that topic though, cos that's something else that i have a fairly large bone to pick with and one day when i'm really pissed off i'll talk about it).

and also, with JET being about cultural exchange and so on, if i'm getting all these from the other nationalities around me, i feel i ought to assert my cultural identity more strongly and show these folks that things are different in other countries. i really want to do that. plus all this shock and disbelief that i experience or observe either from things that i do or things that the japanese do which the angmohs find really strange and weird but seem perfectly normal and (east) asian to me is beginning to get on my nerves. also, i think people have to realise that japan isnt equivalent to asia? like foodwise and cooking especially.. i was telling them that how my mum cooks radish is to slice it up and boil it in soup with carrots, and i think that befuddled them cos radish to them means the shredded and chopped up conical mountain of daikon you get as an accompaniment to your tempura sauce or sushi (and i didnt even mention the dried scallops, cuttlefish and ikan bilis that you throw in for flavour!). the brit couldnt even identify radish in the radish salad that we had. you certainly cant blame them for this lack of knowledge simply cos they havent had a chance to be exposed to it, but i think there should definitely be an increase in awareness that asia itself is rather diverse in so many ways..

but aiyah. they should just get a grip and suck it up man. i cant promise that i wont scream the next time someone gets all completely bewildered at me doing something perfectly normal in my culture. i dont make a fuss about the things they do - at least not to their face - and i dont get all aghast, so just get over it already. their way isnt the only way to do things, so deal with it and accept that fact!!!

*grrrrr*

i love singlish *

i feel the need to talk about what has happened in the past two weeks of my life.. the folks have come and returned, and they left the flat feeling empty and too quiet on sunday after they flew. i was feeling rather out of sorts that day, cos i wanted to go out and talk to people, yet didnt want to socialise at that time either. like.. i think if my friends from singapore were nearby it would have been fine, but the comforts of home in the form of friends werent available. i think that only means that i have to go out and get to know the rest of the ALTs better till i can call them friends whom i'm comfortable with, rather than people whom i'm still in the process of socialising and getting to know.

but somehow i think it's rather different.. back to the whole idea of culture and so on.. i totally understand what another JET wrote in her facebook note about how good it is to meet another californian - more specific even than another american - because you just 'get' each other.. like seriously. i think the whole lingo matters too.. after having communicated and socialised in singlish for the past 22 years, that's my native tongue and there's actually a huge difference between talking to people in english and talking to people in SINGLISH. compounded by the fact that the people whom you speak to in english come from different cultural backgrounds and different experiences from your own, the gap that has to be bridged is actually somewhat significant, and doing so takes effort, which is tiring. to be honest it only just struck me, after the fun time today and reading my friend's post on facebook. maybe i'm not adapting well enough! haha. i have to work harder and try to overcome all these stuff :P

anyway, yes my parents also left me tonnes of stuff like mooncakes, bakwa, durian cake, cornflakes (which is tmdf-ing ex in japan)**, sambal chilli, haebi hiam, wolfberry and dried longnan. yummy! i can more or less eat like a singaporean with my sambal chilli, which i will use with care and prudence.

then yesterday there was an enkai - japanese party of sorts - for the australian teachers who accompanied the students from my school's sister high school down under. it was fun, as i sat with teachers whom i hadnt had the chance to interact with before, and they couldnt really speak english so i was forced to use japanese. it actually felt good and i enjoyed myself tremendously! for some reason - maybe it's just being polite haha - they tend to comment that my japanese is good (when it's far from that) because i know enough for normal everyday life here. and i guess it's true that my current level allows me to get through life in japan without too many difficulties (which frankly isnt all that difficult since there're apparently people who've been here 16 years without speaking any japanese), but the thing is, as a language, i still feel very constrained by my lack of proficiency. like there are so many things that i'd want to say when talking to people, but because i dont know how to express myself i can only convey a fraction of what i'm feeling and thinking.. same thing when it comes to listening in on conversations going on around me. and i cant read the newspapers either! and all the advertisements and blah blah.

nothing much else has been happening actually. bringing my parents around has allowed me to orient myself around osaka station - which is a HUGE help - and i think i've definitely adapted to the place. the challenge to overcome now is the social aspect, and i think that's of course going to be more difficult. i need to really get myself going for japanese classes and hopefully yoga or dance classes soon, and i must definitely exercise. i will try to force myself to go jogging this week. yup. anyhow, back to the social aspect.. i think i've been doing so much talking about it to people over the past couple of days that i dont have to go over it again, but yes. that's definitely something i have to work on. that and the need to find some free time to sit down and think about stuff in general!

*: i apologise if the title has nothing to do with the post itself!

**: i didnt request for cornflakes, but somehow my mum decided that i needed cornflakes - bless her warped sense of logic this time - and brought me 3 boxes. frankly i'm EXTREMELY thankful for that, as it was a very pleasant surprise - i requested all the other stuff that came over! heh.