musings

alim just posted an incredibly sad post on fb, and cece made a really sad reply to that as well, and both are making me feel rather guilty that i'm not really feeling all that sad about leaving this sunday.. i can really understand how things are from alim's perspective especially.. previously there were 3 of us here to keep each other company while kiki headed off to the highlands, and then suddenly where there were 3 there is gonna be 1, and the thought of it is enough to drive one to tears. sigh.

chin up dearie. i know it's not easy :(

i have to confess though, that i think it's easier on me cos i'm leaving.. when you're heading to a new country, there's always excitement which comes with the unknown, and when you're over there there's always going to be a thousand things that demand your time and attention, distracting you from all the other concerns which you may have. and i'd think quite a while will pass by while you try to settle in and adjust to your new surroundings and position, and it'll be sometime till the homesickness and yearning for familiar places, familiar people and the comforts of home kick in and you feel alone cos the people you want to talk to arent and cant be there beside you.

plus in my case, the excitement is probably even greater as unlike all my other friends who have graduated and are now settling into their jobs or nie and attending classes or working longer hours than anyone should, i'm going on a huge adventure and what i think might be the experience of a lifetime, even if i might end up not liking it, which i fervently hope wont happen. and i'm going to japan, of all places, and osaka to boot. i'm going to be able to see kyoto, nara, kobe - and visit wy! - tokyo, shrines, temples, nature, etc etc etc etc. i'll be able to eat more of the sweets and kitkat and chocolates that i couldnt get enough of from that short trip to hokkaido, and i'm getting the chance to see first hand over a period of at least 1 year the country that i've learned and read and heard so so so much about. and the fact that i know nothing about what's going to happen to be beyond the tokyo orientation - not the schedule, not the schools that i'll be in, nothing! - makes it even easier to think that everything is going to be really cool and amazing - and i really hope i wont be disappointed.

and thinking about it, this is a new stage in my life, and what i'm feeling about it is pretty much like how i've felt about all the other 'new stages' in my life. i wasnt sad to leave primary school because i was really eager to go to some place new. p.school wasnt that great at all actually (and i've never ever elaborated beyond this on the few occasions when i've mentioned it), and i was happy to move on to secondary school. rgs gave me 4 glorious years and i felt that twinge of sadness walking out through the athena gate one last time, but at the end of it, i was ready to head on to jc, and i think it helped that most of my friends were going there with me, and that my sec3 and 4 class was such that it didnt give me much to miss. i loved jc.. and i was sad to leave, especially because rjc was going to move to a new location and that the building would no longer be ours. there's still that pang of nostalgia looking at photos of rj - and they've yellowed enough in these 4 years to make it seem years and years away - but the sadness was diluted by the excitement of a 7 month break from the drudgery of studying every single day and the possibility of heading overseas to study.

and then came university. it seems so far away now, thinking about the days when i was still a literally a 'freshie', and i recall being fairly miserable in the first semester because i didnt see as much of my friends as i wanted to, and the nature of classes didnt make it easy to meet new people either. but we all got over that i think, then came geogsoc commitments which kept me busy enough, after which were my glorious SEP days, then the short year 3 sem 2, followed by field studies and then the wonderful honours year. the intensity of HT pretty much cut me off from the rest of the honours class - when the non-HT people were happily bonding - thus, sadly, i cant claim to be as close to the rest of the class as i would like to be. 4 years of uni life made me more than happy when my last paper was over and done with, and commencement was held so long after the exams that it didnt really hold much meaning anymore, as uni life for me ended wayyyy before that. and so while i do think fondly of the honours peeps and i do miss sitting in the hons room slacking and just enjoying being there and belonging to a proper class once more after 3 years, i've had enough of studying and school life that i was really to go out there and WORK.

and now here i am. events that began when i downloaded the application form in september last year have all been heading towards this, and high time, i'd say. i've waited far too long for this moment to come! it's scary though, with just about almost my entire life summarised in those previous 2 paragraphs. looking at it, one would wonder where all the little meetings and happenings have disappeared to, and it makes me wonder too. unlike some of my friends who have incredible memories and can recall so many things from their past, i dont recall much about primary school at all, nor kindergarten either, and i remember NOTHING about my life before i was 4. even after that, there are only brief flashes, which dont account for much at all i think. as for sec sch and beyond... i can recall things, but i wouldnt really think about them unless i'm reminiscing with friends or if there's a strong external trigger. frankly, i dont spend much time thinking about the past at all, which i think results from not using my brain much :P i feel like i've always been sort of ready for the next stage in life, for some unfathomable reason, and it's the same thing this time around. i know that i'll eventually miss all my friends - i already missed them when on exchange - and the good parts of singapore, the fact that we speak english and write ("or some version of it") being one of them for sure, but at the moment... i'm eager and ready to go, and the fact that i'm leaving has provided the reason and opportunity to spend more time with some friends than i would otherwise have if i werent going anywhere i think, and for that i'm grateful.

... i'm not sure what was the purpose of all the above actually.. i'm still feeling bad that i'm not that sad about leaving and that i cant do anything about how the others feel about the upcoming flurry of departures like make them feel better or something.. sigh :( but i guess it would be a good idea to put this down and be reminded of my current state when i'm feeling lonely and miserable and experiencing delayed depression in japan.. but meanwhile, please take care people, and stay strong!!! i'm still here, so dont feel sad! :)